Matters of Intrusion - A Lifetime Original July 2007
by Sue Sokoff
I like to hug and kiss my 9 year-old son, Kyle, to show my affection for him. Of course, I thought that he would eventually initiate this socially acceptable form of affection in return. He tolerates my hugs and he pretends to throw my kisses away. It seems to be a matter of intrusion on his PBS (personal body space, not the Public Broadcasting System). I know Kyle is not comfortable with my hugs and kisses, but as a mom I can't help but break that rule.
A few weeks ago, I had a great idea for a compromise! When I had the urge to hug Kyle, I stuck out my elbow, bumped his and said, "Talk to the Elbow." Kyle laughed and received my affection without throwing my bump away! Some of you may be wondering, 'why not use something more socially acceptable, like a high-five, to show your affection?' Well, I've learned that the way you do it is not the point. What matters is that you find a way that works. Besides, I've waited so long for Kyle to reciprocate my affection and longed for a special way to connect with him. Since he responded so favorably, I just went with it!
Kyle uses the "Talk to the Elbow" now as a means to hug his family. It is something he initiates on his own. He puts his cheek on my elbow, smiles and gently says, "Talk to the Elbow." It is so precious. We have expanded this to "Talk to the Knee" and "Talk to the Hip" and most recently, "Talk to the Wrist." By the way, it could be a great tool for teaching parts of the body to our younger kids.
My husband even used it in a leadership communication training class at work last week. The assignment was for teams to develop new languages without using words. "Talk to the Elbow" became his team's accepted sign for greeting. He told them about Kyle's new way to give hugs and suggested that "Talk to the Elbow" could be a way to give politically correct hugs in the workplace. They all loved it and still use it when they see each other! When it comes to communication and autism there is no right way, only effective ways. So, let your child teach you their language and make your own Lifetime original!